Night in the Star Light
by jadajmk
Summary: Because life isn't always easy. It's messy, heart breaking, and sometimes you spend days crying with everything you've got. A collection of songfics with Camille and Jo.


"_I found myself in pieces on the hotel floor." –John Mayer, 'Shadow Days'_

Jo was tired. That was seriously all she could think of as she laid on the floor of some random person's bedroom floor. She couldn't even remember who was throwing the party, then again she didn't even know the person. That's how wild Hollywood parties work, if you knew someone that was going or you were pretty enough or contributed to the party somehow, then you were guaranteed to get in.

Jo let out a sob, then another, and another. She felt a warm liquid sliding down her face and thought it was tears, but when it reached her mouth she found that it wasn't tears. Blood. Probably from the Cocaine she had sniffed about 20 minutes ago. The drugs were suppose to let her have a good time and forget for the night, but they apparently weren't working, so she cried harder. It was getting hard to breathe and her body kept curling and uncurling, despite how sick it made her feel.

Like a dying moon, she felt like she was diming. A moon that was slowly fading and being sucked into a black hole, with possibly no way out. Her cries got louder and heavier, but they couldn't be heard over the blasting techno music that was rattling the house, more like mansion.

Jo can feel the food she never got a chance to get rid of and the alcohol coming up. She gagged a few times, got up on all fours, with shaking legs, and crawled to the bathroom attached to the room. Despite how miserable and how tired she was, Jo refused to throw-up and lay in it. She might not have had any self-respect at that moment, but she had enough dignity to at least crawl to the bathroom and throw-up.

Jo retched for a few minutes, but nothing came out. Resting against the toilet, she started crying again, because she wanted Camille. But Camille was somewhere in the party and nowhere near Jo. Camille was probably dancing, meeting new friends, or texting Logan.

"Camille." She whimpered. All she had to was call Camille and then she'd be there in a few minutes, but she couldn't find the strength to crawl back to the room and get her phone. So she just laid down on the shiny bathroom floor and closed her eyes. She'd find Camille in the morning, when her head wasn't hurting, when she wasn't so tired, and maybe when she didn't hate herself so much.

She faintly hears someone call out the name 'Kendall' and Jo thinks that having her Kendall here with her wouldn't be so bad. She'd rather have Camille, someone who understood her more.

She mumbled, 'So tired", and shifted in her sleep. Jo wondered how Camille could function on no sleep. Camille could sleep 4-5 hours, wake-up, go through a whole day, and then go to sleep that night at 2 A.M, and then repeat. She didn't even drink coffee or take drugs (those were reserved for parties only).

Jo was tired, not just physically, but emotionally. She was so tired of the daily critism, failures, and just plain not being good enough for anything or anyone.

Jo coughed and vomited a small amount next to her face, but she didn't care. She felt she deserved to lay there next to it, because something as awful as her didn't even deserve dignity. Jo closed her eyes and tried to ignore the smell, she should be use to it anyways, and closed her eyes, which burned with tears waiting to be shed.

~~~xxxx~~~~

"_Then someone tells me how good I look _

_and for a moment, for a moment, I am happy_

_But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry." – Superchick, 'Courage'_

Camille felt dizzy and her stomach hurt, growling like a starved animal, but she wasn't hungry. Being hungry meant that she needed to eat and eating meant gaining weight. Therefore she could _not_ eat. Gum, water, and air were enough.

All she needed was flat stomachs, protruding hipbones, visible spines, and thighs with gaps in between. She didn't need Vitamin C, oils, or fiber.

She knew all the right words to say.

"I don't feel too good."

"I just ate."

"I'm not hungry."

She knew all the right things to do when forced to eat in a group. Act normal, make more jokes, laugh, and occasionally take small bites. Most importantly make sure they see you take those small bites, for example ask for something that someone already has on their plate.

James could see the way they'd have to buy smaller and smaller sizes, when him and Camille went custom shopping for auditions. Kendall could see the way Camille ran slower and played weaker, when they went to the park to play sports. Carlos could see how tired Camille looked. Logan could feel the hardness under his finger tips whenever he held Camille.

Camille loved when she stepped on the scale and saw that she was down to her weight goal. She didn't exactly want to be anorexic thin, but she wanted to be thin, because this was Hollywood and being over weight was not acceptable. Most importantly it was not acceptable for her.

When she got up at 5:30 for her morning run and her lungs hurt and she felt light headed, she kept pumping. No matter how hard it hurt. Every time she exchanged an apple for a cookie, she smiled, not matter how good it looked. It was all worth it. Staying in a size 3 and being able to see bone brought more pleasure than any hamburger ever could.

The number of skipped meals gets bigger and bigger, while the numbers on the scale get smaller and smaller.

Every bite of food not taken and every extra hour spent working out was worth it, worth finally being somewhat good enough.

Like a beautiful Blue Cremon flowers during winter she was withering and welting, getting tinier and weaker.

Jo tries so hard not to get vomit on the toilet seat, because Ms. Knight just cleaned it. Making more retching noises, she hopes that no one in apartment 2J can hear her throwing up. The last thing she needs is for someone to come in here and find her vomiting everything she has inside until all that's left is stomach acid.

A few strands of golden blond hair slip from her grasp and fall towards her face. She tries desperately to get them out the way before more undigested food leaves her stomach, but it doesn't work. She'll have to wash her hair.

Her eyes burn, her esophagus burns, but it's nothing compared to the burning in her chest. The emotional turmoil churning, burning, stinging in her chest, crawling up her throat, and leaving her feeling like there wasn't enough oxygen moving through her body.

There was nothing left to throw-up, she could taste pure stomach and Jo still felt unsatisfied. Flushing the toilet and tip-toeing back to Kendall and Logan's room, Jo grabbed Kendall's sweatshirt and slipped on her flip-flops. She snatched her car keys and stuffed a 20 down the back of her Abercrombie shorts.

Speeding to the nearest store, Jo picked up all her favorite snacks and ate them on the street by her car. Looking up into the night sky, she smiled, thinking about Camille. So much about the beautiful star dotted black sheet covering the sun reminded her of the slightly crazy method acting. Everything from the way Camille was so fascinated with space to how she grew more than a little paranoid at being outside at night (watching a zombie movie at the age of 7 will do that to you).

Then her thoughts got darker, turning to how hard it is to get so much hate from people around how. How they pick and stab and jab until there's nothing left but a hallow shell of a girl, filled with self hate. She could brush off the comments and act like they didn't bother her, but they did.

35 minutes and 2000 calories later, Jo realized that all the food was gone.

You cast a spell on me, spell on me

Like the sky feel on me, fell on me

And I decied you look well on me, well me

"_Jo! Where are you?"  
_

"I had to run back to my apartment and get something, I'll be back in a few." The lie rolling easily off her tounge.

"_Okay, do you want me to come get you?"_

"No, Kendall, it's fine."

"_Bye….WAIT! what's that smell in the bathroom?"_

Jo hung up, not answering and she'll just pretend she didn't hear him. She can't go back to 2J and get rid of the food, so she'll have to go back to her place. It's better that way, because she still has to get to vomit out of hair and plus her dad's away doing whatever he does for work.

~~~xxx~~~

"_All those fairytales are full of shit_

_One more fucking love song, I'll be sick." – Maroon 5, 'Payphone'_

Love was not suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be tears and heartache so bad that you can't imagine any other greater pain. But it is. Or at least for Camille and Logan it is. It's a constant cycle of making-up and leaving and self-hate (that's mostly on Camille's part).

Logan's flirting with pretty new girl Peggy and Camille thought that they were on, but I guess she was wrong. Seeing them holding hands causes her a pain so bad that she has to slide down the wall and sit down.

It's not fair that Logan gets to enjoy a night out with Peggy, laughing, while Camille spends all night comparing herself to Peggy and ending up hating herself more than she already did.

It physically hurts seeing them together. It hurts the most when Camille see's Peggy wrapped in Logan's arm, with her face in his chest-more like neck, because she's kind of tall. There's so much that she would do just to be in Logan's arms, even if for a second. She's give away her soul to have Logan's arms around her, with his face in her heir, like they use to. She'd give away the diamond earrings that a cast mate gave her, just to spend lazy summer days laugh, relaxing, and kissing. Camille would give up everything just to have Logan back.

She needs to stop thinking about this, because she can feel the tears building and ready to release. She will not cry in public. Camille is totally fine with fake crying, but not the real kind, the kind that's painful in everyway possible.

Logan and Peggy break-up like two months into there relationship, but it only makes Camille feel slightly better. Will Logan even come to her next? How long until some other girl shows-up?

She loves him so so much, but she's tired of this. Tired of being on again and off again, wondering if they're even official, and dreading whenever Logan flirts with someone. Camille is sick of the tears and sobs and the nights spent in misery. Tired of steep lows of their relationship, even if it comes with incredible highs.

Camille wants Logan to choose between fully being with her or just being friends only, no in betweens or confusing relationships. But she's scared to make him choose, because despite her air of confidence Camille is still the same small girl from an upscale state, with the same feeling of not being wanted. She's so scared that Logan won't choose her and she doesn't think she can take the full head on rejection of the only person that she's ever loved.

Thinking about how hard it'll be to get over Logan if he doesn't want her is so scary, like climbing a mountain with no harness. Living with out him or seeing him moving on is even scarier. She loves him so much, too much, and the idea of being with out him is like free falling into a rift in the ground.

She's terrified that he won't want her. She never learned of a love like this as a child.

"We need to talk." And the words instill a steel cold fear in her body.

~~~xxx~~~

"_Life goes on, it gets so heavy_

_The wheel breaks the butterfly_

_Every tear a waterfall." – Paradise by Coldplay._

Camille looks in the mirror and wants to scream. She hates the way her stomach isn't as flat as the one girl by the pool, Victoria. Camille deserves to be the thinner, she works more for it and eats less.

Then her face. It's not completely ugly, but it's not mind-blowing heart-stopping beautiful. Average, a little above average at best. Then there are the marks on the side of her face, red and blotchy. Whatever, it doesn't matter, her face isn't that pretty any way. The scratches on her face are like pouring dirt on mud.

Then there's her pale skin. She doesn't really hate, and some days it looks good, but people have different opinions about that. Because if you not golden sunkissed, then your skin is ugly.

She has a pretty nice butt, but her breast are small and that's not a good thing.

She wants to punch the mirror. Sometimes she thinks she hates God for making her this ugly. It's not fair that some people are so beautiful that you can see them for miles and there's people like her, who are average at best.

"You look good today."

"I just wanted to say that you're really pretty."

"You look good in that bikini, baby."

They're all lies. Every single compliment she has ever gotten is a lie. They feel bad for her and take pity because she hates herself. Maybe they some how know about the secret self hate that she feels, the one that makes her cry late at night , the one she will not and cannot let anyone know about.

Is this why Logan won't fully commit to her, because she's ugly? Maybe this is why she hasn't booked a good acting gig in 6 weeks.

She turns away from the mirror, because if she doesn't she'll have a break down, and head to her room. Laying under a bundle of blanket and pillows makes her feel slight better, but not much. At least she can hide her ugliness from the world under her blanket.

Camille can't stop the tears that keep falling and the gasp that make her chest ach. She can feel a sob clawing it's way up her throat, but she can't stop it. She's glad no ones home to see or hear her, because no one can know and her cries are getting louder.

Today is even worse than the others.

'_Can't come to the beach today. Feeling sick"_~Camille 10:38 AM.

Jo Taylor and Jett Stetson had 3 minutes until the interview started. Jo wanted to get excited and enjoy the interview, she loved them, but it was so hard to get pumped about a double edged sword. Tonight, when the interview was posted online, was when all the hateful comments would start.

Comments about how she should die, how much people hated her, how her acting sucked, that she was the ugliest bitch alive. How she didn't deserve Kendall; she's always kind of felt that Kendall was out of her league, but having millions of girls agree made it a lot more believable. The comment about her looks were the most common.

The words were starting to bleed into her skin and cloud her mind, until it was unbearable to look in the mirror. She knew she needed to lose weight, that her hair wasn't stunning, and that she face needed work. She was starting to see what the girls that hated her saw and she didn't need people to tell her what she already saw.

"JO! The interview's starting."

She plastered on a fake smile and tired to block out thoughts of what people would say about her in a couple hours.

"Coming." She said, smile wide and eyes glassy.

~~~xxx~~~

"_Do you feel like a man when you push her around _

_Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground." – 'Facedown' by Red Jump Suite Apparatus _

Jo sees Mikayla walking down the hall and it makes her feel sick. Seeing her bring back so many memories of that night, the one she desperately wants to forget. She can feel the guy's hands on her body and see Mikayla's smile.

They had been at a party and Jo and Mikayla had meet this guy. Jo remember walking up the extravagant stair case and going into the room. Mike, his name was Mike, pulled acid out his pocket. Jo did drugs, this was Hollywood, but nothing too dangerous and acid was defiantly something she never wanted to touch. The strongest drug that she's ever taken was Cocaine and weak ecstasy and that was enough. Acid was something you didn't play with and when mike pulled out Heroin, Jo knew she wanted to leave and fast.

"_I don't do drugs like that_." Mikayla had convinced her to stay and staying was something Jo was going to regret in about 30 minutes.

Mikayla and Mike started off with acid and seeing the effects it had on them reminded her why she never wanted to try drugs that strong, why she had no desire to.

Mikayla was huddled in the corner, a dazed look on her face with spit dripping from her mouth. Jo didn't remember what the acid was called, but she knew it was really strong. Mike was giving her this look and it was making her very uncomfortable.

The next image Jo get in her head is one on Mike pressing her against the wall, begging him to let a her go, and the twisted fucked up look on his face. She remember yelling for Mikayla to help her.

'"_Stay there and I'll give more drugs, something stronger than acid and heroin."_ And Mikayla agrees and smiles at Mike's offer. TRADER!

His hands are everywhere, places they shouldn't be, places she only let's Kendall touch. Jo squeezes her eyes tight. Then a weight is off her and Mike is moving to the restroom, probably to be sick, heroin and acid and Jack Daniels do not mix well. Jo silently thanks God and runs, runs and doesn't even look back. When Camille and Kendall come get her, she can't stop crying.

Camille tries no to flinch when Logan grabs her wrist and puller her towards the pool. It shouldn't hurt, but the bruises, the ones that have to stay hidden from the world, make it hurt. It's her fault that they're there. Maybe if she wasn't so ugly, so fat, so talentless then maybe her boyfriend wouldn't hit her.

"Camille, are you okay? You look like you're in pain." Logan asks and Camille wants to scream that she's not okay, but Logan doesn't know about anything that going on with her boyfriend. He can't know.

The bruises are everywhere, her face, back, stomach, thighs (every time he hits her there, he says how gross they are), her arms, they're everywhere.

Camille spots her boyfriend and the look he's giving her and Logan can't mean anything good. She knows tonight when they go on a date that she's going to come back with so many new bruises and pain. She remember how his bruises look mixed with the cuts and scratches she gives herself.

She doesn't deserve anything better, because every painful thing her boyfriend says is truthful and she deserves to hurt.

"Logan, I have to go." And she tries to mask her fear.

_~~~xxx~~~_

"_I remember tears streaming down your face_

_When I said, I'll never let you go."-'Safe and Sound' by The Civil Wars ft. Taylor Swift_

Jo's leaving, going away for 3 years and it's so painful. Jo and Camille are in the middle of 4J clinging to the other. Leaving a best friend is painful and their tears are making the other's shirt wet.

"I'll miss you so much." Jo chokes out. Leaving Kendall is heart-breaking, but leaving Camille is earth shattering. Her and Kendall are 16 and she loves him dearly but somewhere in the back of her mind she felt like they probably wouldn't last forever; although it never stopped her from hoping. But she imagined Camille by her side for a really long time.

They're so close and not being together for so long makes them feel like they're losing a piece of themselves.

"Just don't forget me." It's on of Camille's biggest fears, having Jo forget her when she enters in the light of fame and superstardom. That she'll get do big and drop Camille.

"Never." Because you never forget your best friend, especially one as close to Jo as Camille is.

They're more than best friends and knowing they'll be so far apart scares them both. Camille doesn't want to let go of Jo and Jo doesn't want her to.

~~~xxx~~~

"_We'll make till tomorrow past the sorrow_

_Hope we never fall apart_

_I hope we never fall apart." - 'Quiet Please' by Hefrron Drive_

Being thousands upon thousands of miles away from each other is hard. Jo and Camille can't just call each other up anytime or plan to spend days off together.

Every time they call the other they have to consider time zones and schedules. It's hard not giving each other hugs or just going to the beach. There are nights spent missing their other half and days where you feel empty.

The hard times are made up for when Jo comes home for holidays, skype chats, and late night phone calls. Even though they're so far apart, they refuse to forget the other, no matter what.

They maybe can't call the other anytime they want, but they can text. Even though they both cry because they miss the other and are sometimes filled with a loneliness too huge for a teenager, it's always made-up for somehow.

Camille hopes Jo will remember her everyday and Jo pray that they never fall apart.

"Sleep tight and don't let the New Zealand bugs bite." Jo smiles because it's such an adorable thing to say and she looks forward to hearing it every night.

A/N: REVIEW! I wanna know what you think. Also, if you're reading 'The Air I Breathe' I want to let you know that I'm planning it out and Im gonna start chapter 4 soon. I wont be able to start writing it for two weeks, because I'll be on vacation, but I have alot of it planed out.

My other story and this story came to me and I needed to get them down. And I cant log onto fanfic from my computer, so I have to go to the Library to upload.


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